no words

this is an email that should’ve been sent; however, since i wasn’t writing for my life i failed to get my arse in gear and was given a reprieve……i don’t think i really wanted it……it starts as was intended but at some point it’ll become now, and who knows where it’ll go:

you have this look; it’s a knowing look, not about anything that will happen, nor any piece of information or fact; not knowing what i’m thinking even; it’s a look that says, ‘i know my own mind….at this moment in time i am in complete mastery of my thoughts,’ it has no future or past in it; it is completely about the present, it was once accompanied by one of those little jokey shin kicks/shoulder barges that had it’s own voice which said, ‘do as you’re fucking told,’…..the looks were always given in close proximity; not necessarily whilst holding each other but the majority did: we would stand with our arms round each other, i would look down at you and see a look in your eyes of serenity almost – i don’t know whether i’m putting words in your eyes here but it’s what i thought and what i remember – a look of ease and comfort at giving yourself, in all ways, not just sexually; a dominant subordination; take me in all the ways you can and i shall tell you of the ones you’ve missed: sometimes i fell into this look and other times i felt torn and unworthy; it is a look that i will never forget and never fails to make me smile, and will always make me love you…….this is essentially where my thoughts had gotten me before we texted earlier about your long-awaited release; i don’t know that it should really mean anything with regards to what i write; it was quite a stilted text session and obviously didn’t have the flow and detail of previous ones; maybe it’s enough that you know that that is on my mind as i type – how it shapes anything is anyone’s guess – i had the feeling that this email was going to be a strange one in that it really was going to explain nothing of any real meaning; it was going to be a list of some nights and days that we’d spent together that were very very very pleasurable and will stay with me forever, and of course it was going to go some way to explain my behaviour, or at least the look on my face that night at the office……i wanted to tell you everything; everything, everything, everything; i wanted to tell everything that would make you hate me, and then everything that would make it alright, and i really think i could have; it would’ve taken some time but you’d come round, you’d say fuck it let’s do it, let’s make it work, fuck them and all they stand for, give me your baggage, all of it, i want it, i want the struggle, you’re worth it and so am i, look into my eyes and know them, give me what i want; that look would’ve trumped all previous, i wanted to let myself love you fully and openly, but i feared you’d just hate me instead, so i said nothing…..i put you through having to give me that look, and i put myself through having to see it; it was horrible, and haunts me still; i can only imagine what it felt to give it; and then we got a second go; i got the look on the station platform, the kick in the shin, the thought that i’d have to break your heart all over again….but i went home with you and we made a mess….i should’ve told you then too, but the only advice i’ve ever listened to in my life has been that given by my own addled brain; the only advice i’ve ever been given has been from my own addled brain since i’ve never asked of it from anyone else – at the most complicated, full, and utterly lost time in my life; if i even managed to find the words with which to explain it, what could possibly be the reply other than, ‘just stop…..just stop what you’re doing and take a fucking break you tit,’……..well like i say; i can get that advice from myself……and why follow it not……pleasure of the moment, pure and simple, pleasure of the moment; the feel of your skin, that’s not even the start; the thought of you; the idea of you, the thing that the conscious mind isn’t even aware of, yet even to be given the mundane tag of thought; the beginning and end condensed to a singularity of pleasure, and to have that actually manifest itself, actually come into existence and drag me with it; the look of you, the feel of you, the taste of you, the sound of you, the smell of you, the balance of you; i got lost and knew exactly where i was, where my fingers were meant to be, how my tongue was meant to twist, what resistance my arms were meant to give, how tight my grip was meant to be, how deep in all holes my self was meant to go, i know everything that ever need be known; nothing else matters……..but it did……others mattered more……and there is even one other whom i love even more than you….i’m with her neither….and she is beyond words

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3 Comments

  1. You, sir, are a word smith.

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