was it really noah’s ark?

this article is the first part of a lengthier piece from the daily harbinger, or rather it will be from the daily harbinger, it still has a few alterations to be made – editor’s notes are included – but it’s due to go in tomorrow’s edition……use it wisely

Galileo Galilei, Charles Darwin, …….[Editor’s note: really?? no fucker else??? at all???????], illustrious names synonymous with shattering previously held notions about God, human origins and religion in general. Today we may be able to add another name to the list; that of the little known, but in his circles highly regarded, Welsh archaeologist Sir Benedictine Thundersnatch III.

Or perhaps it is not his name we should be adding, but that of God himself.

After a mysterious anonymous tipoff at Sir Benedictine’s offices in Port Talbot, he has spent the last two years combing every inch of Mount Ararat in Turkey, the purported final resting place of Noah’s Ark, looking for evidence that not only did Noah not build the Ark, but that God was tricked into believing he did; giving rise to serious questions about God’s omnipotence.

We have managed to secure an exclusive interview with Sir Benedictine who tells us how it all started:

“Well boyo, I was sitting in my office one day pretending to work but actually playing Angry Birds, when this brown A4 envelope was pushed under my door. I thought, ‘What the ruddy blime is this all about?’ because I’m extremely open when it comes to knocks at my door; ever since my intern days when I was bombarded by people giving me rubbish things to do, I’d reached the end of my tether one day and was just about to tell the next person who knocked on my door to fuck off back to Jericho – an in joke at the time – when who should enter but none other than Kathleen Kenyon! Well my bloody jaw dropped into my y-fronts, which in turn dropped to the floor; man the woman was insatiable! Not much of  looker but boy could she [Editor’s note: I think we can probably dispense with the gratuitous details of how his office desk was broken don’t you?] So as I say, everyone knows that knocking is always an option, so I was surprised that this was slipped under the door. I picked it up, and ran out into the hall seeing if I could stop the covert posty but to no avail; bugger had gone. I sat at my desk and read the envelope’s contents.

“Now, I’ve had some bloody crazy theories passed on to me, no idea why so many though, but they make me tickle so I humour them you know, but this one was different; apart from the fact that it was well constructed – I had a map drawn in crayon given to me once detailing the whereabouts of Shangri-La: the car park of a Lidl in Sheffield apparently! quite ridiculous [Editor’s note: our research suggests otherwise]. So anyway, well constructed, yes, but so plausible in its presentation of the evidence gathered so far; needless to say I was hooked.”

The evidence to which Sir Benedictine refers, relates particularly to an English translation of an old Hebrew text that appears to have been omitted, not only from the Bible, but from existence itself; great pains were taken to destroy its contents. A copy of the English version (written in the mid 15th century) was included in the envelope, the original viewed at a later date, and included these remarkable lines:

“and god schuld bere witnessynge of the list, that Noa, Emsra, Iapheth, Shem, Hame, Beti and Iorg did stowe abord the arke born of the glorie of hym as seuen chupacabra. Who so shal bringeth thees fro the derknessis to gods ligt will be resceyueden bi hym etirnl liif, and the list flo fleisch and blodis…..”

This passage is essentially a warrant for Noah and his family and friends’ arrest for sneaking aboard the ark as chupacabras, and their subsequent sentence to grisly death.

It therefore begged the question; if Noah had built the Ark, why did he and his family need to sneak aboard? The answer lay in the snowy peaks of Mount Ararat, and the seemingly innocuous family run business of ‘Fred’s Fisheries’ in Grimsby.

Sir Benedictine takes up the story:

“Well I got straight on the phone to my mate Gerry from Swansea and told him to book us two tickets to Turkey as soon as possible, I told him I didn’t have time to explain why but we did manage to justify every fullback decision made by the Welsh national team since 1954 – amazing what gets prioritised isn’t it?

“So anyway, we landed in Turkey and were arrested; apparently ‘Benedictine Thundersnatch’ is Turkish for ‘I like Jewish testicles in my mouth for purely pleasurable purposes,’ – the Turks have such a concise language – so after three months of unbearable sexual torture – I say unbearable…..it wasn’t all bad – we were released with full pardons and debilitating nightmares, but we were professionals, we had a job to do, so carried on. I seem to court trouble and adventure whatever I do; I put up some shelves once, I hammered in one nail and I lost my foot. Here feel; pure ivory that.”

After preliminary reasearch yielded whole swathes of Mount Ararat that hadn’t been properly searched and catalogued, Sir Benedictine called in his usual team; the results were fascinating:

“Didn’t find a bloody thing. Not for ages, we were seriously considering packing the whole thing in, but then we found the carving; what we termed ‘the Trademark’!”

Sir Benedictine’s seventy year old eyes light up with the excitement of a child as he recalls the moment:

“Gerry was pissed as a fart he was, and fell down a ravine; I’ve never actually seen anyone actually bounce before, but that’s what he did, bounce like a ball! Bloody hilarious it was, and he landed face first onto a plank of wood, broke his nose in fact; he’s a martyr to his work. But anyway, this piece of wood, we could tell just by looking at it that it was something different; it sobered Gerry up quick sharp, we cordoned off the area and set the lads to working while we went back to the lab with this bit of wood.”

What they in fact appeared at first analysis to have discovered [Editor’s note: good god man what kind of fucking sentence construction is that?!] was a plank of wood used in the hull of a ship; carbon dating and chemical analysis subsequently revealed that the date and geography of use placed it almost exactly in the area believed to be where Noah’s Ark came to rest. This in itself was cause for celebration, but what was also noted was a faint patch that looked to have been carved into the wood, and after extensive examination and cross-referencing to the files slid under Sir Benedictine’s office door they had discovered the markings left by a fisherman named Frederick, who also happened to construct his own fishing boats.

It seemed that the first piece of evidence corroborating the claims made by the 550 year old manuscript had been discovered.

Next week Sir Benedictine Thundersnatch III continues his retelling of what happened in the gathering of more evidence relating to the real builder of the Ark, and how this fisherman’s God-fearing descendents weren’t entirely happy with the news. [Editor’s note: I can hardly fucking wait]

written by Ethelred Stapler – Historical Correspondent

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27 Comments

  1. That is brilliant and what a wonderful piece of writing too – I thoroughly enjoyed it and laughed loudly am now off to share it as widely as possible 🙂

    Reply
  2. I wish you would do a rewrite of the entire bible. I would read that. You are silly and profound at the same time, and that can’t be easy. I can barely do one of them at a time.

    Reply
  3. I’m not done reading this yet, but just had to say I wish you could see the silly little half smile you’re brining to my face.

    Reply
  4. *bringing… not brining. I don’t think a face can brine. At least one hopes not.

    Reply
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