About

born in 1715, at the year of our lord quarter past five, to the parents of a peruvian heliotrope and a washer-woman out of alabama who swore she had the remains of bill hicks’ left foot embedded in her pancreas, i fell upon life with gusto, and the two of us decided to leave our fathers’ sleepy village and travel the world seeing what adventures, scrapes, close shaves, endangerments, exploits, perils, incidents, accidents, occidents, feats and general occurrences we could get in to, so we headed north towards cooler climes, eating what we could find; berries and fruit, small animals, the odd nazi who’d made it to these parts along the san girolamo ratline, and of course sausages…….it was during a particularly fine feast of pork that we got lost on our way to tuckernuck; we were speaking we thought to a man called jonathon isles, it however turned out that he was actually an archipelago situated 22 nautical miles due east off the coast of whitby – coordinates: 54°29’08.88″N and 0°0’0″, topography: main island peak is 338ft, and is the foremost feature of the isles due to its longitude matching that of the greenwich meridian – interesting aside: legend has it that it is in fact the birthplace of 21st american president chester a. arthur; this obviously being a secret he wanted kept, it was known only by sir george biddell airy – astronomer royal and alleged cousin of arthur – who established the royal observatory at greenwich for reasons both brothel related and of familial irony, and in 1884, the man who pushed most vehemently for the use of greenwich as the standard global meridian; a request granted by the committee headed by president arthur, in return for secrecy; it has been suggested that the french were in possession of this knowledge – hence their refusal to adopt greenwich over the paris meridian – but this has subsequently been discredited due to the absence of this information’s release and the generally accepted character of the french being stubborn and mule-like – which explained many things about his speech that, at this moment in time my memory has misplaced, so can’t be overly important, unlike the need when entering whitby to carry a phrase book; gusto was snatched due to an unintended remark towards a local suggesting that his mother was the mouse king of mouseland; a most heinous crime round those there parts, so was subsequently subjected to a severe series of several assaults about the botty area – however, thanks to a most remarkable piece of foresight, during the cold and lonely nights in our native village gusto inserted varyingly sized items of fruit and veg into his anus in order to cushion the blow of such a savaging as that which now beset him…..a true visionary…….i never saw him again, but hear he was paid extraordinarily well until he was ripped apart by rabid horses whipped into a frenzy by their schizophrenic jockeys…..so now on my own i travelled south looking for an airport; i went too far and found myself needing the toilet, a lovely lady by the name of vera lynn – you may have heard of her in fact; you would not think to look at her but she was famous long ago, for playing the electric violin on some kinda place – let me use hers before dropping me at heathrow where i stowed aboard a plane headed for los angeles………i overslept and landed in auckland; stranded there for three and a half days i did nothing but drink wine, smoke cigarettes and have sex with a very tall girl; i can quite confidently say that those were the best three and a half days in a row that i’ve ever experienced – she never wore knickers, so on the plane back to blighty i asked ghandi who sat next to me that if the plane crashed and i died could i come back as her jeans, he said yes, the contract however was for that flight only so i’ve been trying really hard to stay alive since then in case i ever bump into him and can thrash out another….don’t want to go past a certain point though; an old woman’s jeans i would not want to be……so anyway i got off the flight too early and became stranded in california for a few days where i did nothing but drink gin, smoke cigarettes and manage to get embroiled in a cocaine-fuelled threesome with a woman named ingrid – the deceased son of whom i believe i was a reminder as i was of a similar age – and a guy named jesus……let it never be said that our lord and saviour doesn’t know how to party……so i left there in a car and headed for canada, did some things and then headed back down again, got stopped at the border with nigh on three-quarters of a million dollars worth of merchandise – legitimate i hasten to add – in my possession under the impression that i was bringing it illegally into the great united states of americaland and i would have to pay extortionate amounts of duty and/or get banged up the slammer – without the preparation of gusto’s afforded to me i was decidedly anxious to avoid all slamming of any kind – so i told some white lies and pleaded ignorance and was taken pity on greatly i believe……let it never be said that our lord and saviour doesn’t know how to party……..and here’s a handy piece of information for you; one doesn’t pay duty on memorabilia, and if one stretches the definition of memorabilia as a border control officer, one will be remembered in payers……..once out of sight i removed the smuggled chupacabras, goblins and fireworks from my trousers and went about my business of fucking eighteen-year-olds and telling them that they have elephants on their windowsills….fine work if you can get it…..so that about sums me up; i have a souped up wheelchair with a pair of breasts attached to the handles which always makes people more willing to push it, and it’s hired out at very reasonable rates

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187 Comments

  1. I get it now, the GIN part ; )
    Thanks for visiting : )

    Reply
  2. What a bunch of crap. This is not an about page. I mean, I don’t know you, so sorry…let’s try that again…

    What a witty one-liner. It is a shame that you don’t actually say more about yourself though. I would so love to hear who is behind the madness…I mean…this wonderful blog.

    Reply
    • please say what you like! you’ll never offend me

      it was written right at the beginning when wordpress was getting on my tits and i just haven’t got round to changing it…..i’d be willing to bet a large amount of money that it won’t be changing any time soon either; writing about myself bores me, i’d only make something up

      Reply
      • So who are you?

      • another time perhaps; really must dash now, nice to meet you 🙂

      • You ready to make something up about yourself yet?

      • not yet, there are all these other things i want to write about first….and i thought you didn’t like my about page…

      • I did…I just said it was crap. For other reasons… I’m just curious about you.

      • ah i see; well in that case i shall put all else on hold and endeavour to write the greatest ‘about’ page the world has ever seen! it’ll have fireworks in it, and goblins, and windowsill elephants, and nazis, and vera lynn, and some americans, and jesus, and ghandi, and bill hicks’ left foot, oh and chupacabras, and the mouse king of mouseland, and cars, and probably breasts, and souped up wheelchairs, and the history of the johnathan isles, and blood, guts and gore, and sex, but only a little; one must preserve one’s decorum, and one’s jam

      • Sounds wonderful! You should really do it. Decorum? I reserve that for the good blog. 😉

      • i only have the one really, so have to just ram it all in there

      • Well, whatever works right?

      • one can’t beat a good ramming

      • Nothing? Ramming can be pretty good, but sometimes it is fun to play both the angel and the devil.

      • you’re right of course; the look in the eye of someone who hasn’t quite worked out which one you are is really quite priceless

      • Fear…maybe some excitement, but desperation comes to mind.

      • I’m a fallen angel. It’s easier this way.

      • easier and far more exciting…..did you fall or were you pushed

      • Pushed, but I was falling anyway.

      • i’m sure they miss you…..deep deep deep down

      • I tried to feel it out, but I couldn’t tell.

      • he owes me a favour, i can find out for you if you want

      • You don’t think it would be too hard?

      • we have a long history; i know some things he’d rather not be made public, i’d never divulge them or blackmail him with them, but little favours he can do, without recourse to hardship

      • Oh, I see…well, if you really want to

      • he said that they still get nightmares after what you did in the holy water, but no one has ever looked as good as you in a pair of wings…..they would have you back but it’s not their policy

      • Did he mention what I did in the holy water? I must have been drunk or somthing.

      • peeled vegetables….but they were devil-shaped

      • Interesting

      • you say that…………..

      • It’s been a busy few days, but I can elaborate later. 😉

      • i like the sound of that…

      • about page done – i hope you like it – i will be doing a post about it so my faithful can tell me whether it’s misleading or not as regards the contents of the blog, but i thought i’d give you a heads up as it was written for you anyway

      • Thank you. I will be there soon.

  3. Do you really have a wheelchair?

    Reply
    • no…that was a made up bit; i was going off the random list of stuff i gave you in the earlier comment

      Reply
      • That’s what i figured.

      • What time is it where you are? Where are you? How old are you?

      • at the moment it is ten past eleven at night, i am in england’s green and pleasant land, and i just turned thirty-one yesterday…….what you wearing?

      • Lol, my favorite stalkee live in England. I’ll be back in a few hours.

      • we do it with such aplomb that no one really minds….laters

      • Stalk people?

      • why yes

      • A stalker being stalked…sounds like fun.

      • i think it could work…..just so long as we don’t go round in circles following each other’s behinds

      • Oh, I thought that was what stalking was…

      • but once each stalker knows that the other stalker is stalking them it should take on a different stalking dimension……a funner one, but still with the sinister stalking edge that stalking evokes of course; popping up in odd and unexpected places

      • Sounds delicious. In a sinister way.

      • deliciously sinister was exactly the sentiment i was aiming for…..though it is difficult to aim it sometimes

      • I wouldn’t know about the aiming. Oh, we’ll maybe if we were playing ball or something.

      • and i think that that has an extremely high probability of happening

      • That’s interesting too. You have a lot of interesting comments, especially for an overanalyzer like myself.

      • ‘m a very interesting person, thank you; am i passing the test?

      • Maybe…I have already stalked this post like crazy. Why are you up so late?

      • there’s a whole blog for you to stalk should you find the time
        i work nights…..i say work, not a lot’s getting done at the moment

      • Your poor job. I’m sure it longs for your attention. If you need to go, I will understand.

      • we have an understanding; it lets me do snippets every now and then before trotting back to the computer to see how many comments from you i have waiting

      • What a great job! Sounds like it has it’s priorities in order.

      • the majority of the time it does, at other times however it’s a bit of a piers mrgan

      • You must really hate him

      • we used to be neighbours and we had a long dispute about his hedge encroaching into my kitchen; he forged property deeds, and made out that the previous owners were ok with branches wandering willy-nilly about their home……i found those previous owners in that very hedge….half eaten

      • That’s funny. The half-eaten hedge people, not Piers. He sounds like an ass.

      • he’s worse than that….he’s the really sweary one……how polite am i not just writing it out….

      • You can write it. I read your full of fucks post. Fallen angel remember?

      • well in that case; he’s a right bumface

      • That sounds like something my kids would say. It must have a bigger impact in “proper English” from an Englishman.

      • everything has a bigger impact in proper english – no need for inverted commas there – and if you’d care to read my about page, you’ll find i’m not an englishman

      • You said you are there now, and your about page is full of…what is the proper english term for shit?

      • faecal matter

      • Yep, that’s it. Thanks for agreeing with me in proper english.

      • pleasure, and notice faecal has an ‘a’ in it for future reference should you wish to pass yourself off as proper english

      • Thanks, but I probably won’t try. I don’t really want people to expect much from me.

      • but if you then find yourself stuck you can come out with some incomprehensible englishness that they won’t realise is bullshit!
        i’m here if you need me

      • Okay, I will think about it. It would entertain the people I stalk too. Or annoy them…

      • it would entertain you, and that is all that matters

      • It’s fun to entertain others too.

      • hmmm….that’s what matters most, then

      • Suck up.

      • you love it

      • I like it…did you read the comments on my porn post? Long story short, I like that you told me how I feel about it more than the actual sucking up. I’m slightly more of a masochist than a sadist.

      • i did read them…..i’m not much of a sucker up in truth, and do enjoy at least thinking about what other people really think; i rarely tell

      • Sometimes it is good to tell people, but it causes problems at times. Talking a lot and honesty can be good seperately, but together I have hurt/lost friends.

      • i don’t really have any friends at the moment so that’s not a problem with which i’m faced, but i can see how it can get people in hot water

      • I don’t have friends either. Just blog friends, but I discovered I can piss them off/lose them too.

      • you have a gift it seems

      • For pissing off/losing friends? Yes, it appears I do. 😉

      • the decent ones’ll stick around

      • Good point. What time do you get off work?

      • three minutes……but the boss is taking over from me so could be any fucking time, i’ve never known anyone set such a bad example…..twat

      • Ok, have a nice couple of days off

      • thank you, i did

      • Happy birthday, by the way. Thanks for letting me know your date of birth too. It will be helpful if I ever decide to stalk you. My stalking lineup is quite full at the moment, but you never know…

      • thank you, and is there anything i can do to guarantee my place on your stalking list or is just left to the whim of your own fancy?

      • You can do me. Just joking of course because I’m married with kids and I’m older than you and disabled and I don’t sleep with guys I don’t know, especially if they are in other countries although I do like to tease.

      • only one of those is a valid reason though…….but one can often be enough; just look at piers morgan

      • What about Piers? I’m only a month older than you. What did you do for your birthday?

      • he’s a twat, and if there was another one of him i would consider opting out early
        and the age reason wasn’t the valid one
        i had some cake, opened some presents, i was working though so did nothing of any excitement, you?

      • Partied lIke a rock star. Actually, got called a bitch and enjoyed the blog flashmob that some friends put on for me.

      • excuse my ignorance but what on blog is a flashmob? and who was the sweet soul called you a bitch?

      • I throw blog flashmobs in different ways. I’ll give you a few links in a minute. My husband called me a bitch. Not today though. 😉

      • that’s ok then; just on your birthday
        link away, i’ll be here

      • Here are my birthday presents…the flashmob they put on. http://wp.me/p2pR2U-1mD

      • that’s a very nice thing they did 🙂

      • Yes it was. You know what you should do?

      • At the very top of your about page have a seperate sentence that tells readers to skip the post and go to the comments if they want a little honesty. There they can find out that you just turned 31, you are married, in England, hate Piers, are a stalker, etc.

        That has been my plan all along. 😉

      • hmmm…..i still don’t care what they want though…and you think they’ll be happier trawling though this shit?

      • Yes! Have you read our comments? We are awesome. I’ll ask someone to come over here and rate our conversation if you want.

      • you have my blessing to do whatever you so wish 🙂

      • Okay thanks. I can’t tonight though.

      • or whatever you so don’t wish

      • Lol. I have a few friends who would have fun over here.

      • i like them already

      • What if I was 80? That wouldn’t be a valid reason? I’m guessing married is it, but the distance and fact that we are actually just words doesn’t come in to play?

      • but you’re not 80 so it’s not a valid reason, and i’m married too so that’s not it; it was the people you don’t know reason
        and words are great; i’m a big fan, i wouldn’t mind being just them

      • I love words. They are my porn.

      • i know, i’ve seen some of your stars….they do it for me too

      • Did you read how the Hobbler does porn? It’s my favorite.

      • i must admit i’ve only had a quickie glance so can’t recall whether i’ve read that one or not, but i will

      • It’s mine. It’s how I play with words.

      • just read it…..they certainly had their wicked way with you

      • Yes they do. I love it though. I guess you could probably tell….

      • it was subtle but i picked up on it

      • Yeah…Subtlety is not one of my strong points.

      • it gets in the way sometimes

      • Exactly, and I don’t read it well either.

      • then we shall do away with it forthwith

      • Now I don’t know what to say though. 😉

      • i find that very hard to believe….are you tired?

      • Not tired, well maybe, but I’m an insomniac, so I never really know. I can’t sleep unless I take sleeping pills. I never really feel awake unless I take an expensive prescription that I have a very limited supply of. It is basically cocaine in pill form, but don’t tell the FDA.

        Okay, so maybe I have a few words…

      • i appear to have misplaced the fda’s number so you’re in luck
        that all sounds a bit shit, you don’t go off and start fight clubs do you

      • No, I’m usually pretty harmless.

      • i bet you’re always pretty, but only occasionally harmless

      • It would probably depend on who you ask.

      • i shall ask myself……………………………………………………………………………………………by jove i’m right

      • Yeah, but you already said you’re a liar, so what now?

      • i never lie about prettiness or harm strangely enough

      • That is strange. A lot of people do. I don’t either.

      • super; i’m beginning to like you

      • Beginning? I doubt that. I think you liked me since PMAOs blog comments. I like you too. That is why I still am here. It’s almost midnight my time. I need to be up anyway for a few boring real life chores.

      • you’re right of course…..i would’ve liked it had pmao made out that it was genuine and then i could really have tested all the commentors, but i was too late in replying to him….i could’ve had more fun with hotspur too maybe
        fuck the chores

      • Maybe the dryer…it vibrates sometimes, but the dishes?

      • you may have to be picky; i have a friend who became very close to her rolling pin and pestle

      • I don’t know if I’m ready for a rolling pin…so, how did you know she made this love connection?

      • she filmed it and emailed it to me…..i’m only joking….she told me about it first

      • I was about to get a whole new respect for you. Just teasing. We all know the words are better anyway.

      • i don’t know….they were pretty fucking good videos

      • I’m sure they were.

      • have i lost that respect now

      • Nah, I’ll let you play by the same rules cats have. 9 lives.

      • wow, you’re amazing….i’m a dog man myself; have you seen my drawing?

      • Thanks, and yes, I saw your drawing, but I need to look again. I was just glancing at your posts, but it looked good.

      • marvelous, happy chores

      • I am going to have to call it a night though, but I have enjoyed talking with you and distracting you from work.

      • it’s been good, i’ve enjoyed very much having you distract me; i’m off for two days now so don’t think i’m ignoring you or all those cool people you’re gonna send my way

      • I’m not going to send them until you are here to comment back. That is important.

      • that it is

      • Not as if I lie about other things…

      • but of course

  4. I kind of miss our endless commentary. If I send someone over here, will you still remember me and we can pick up where we left off when I get to a good internet connection? You could play with her in the meantime. Maybe I will just let my world know about you. That is always a sad time for me though. I get happy and jealous at the same time.

    Reply
    • you are always welcome here; you may crowbar your way in to any conversation i may be having at any time, i do believe that that is one of the wonders of blogging; announcing yourself from the other side of the planet without all the expensive of air travel and the timidity of a stranger

      Reply
      • You are always welcome on my blog too. Unless it is the good blog, which I am thinking of just getting rid of. If you happen to comment over there, I may not approve it, or I may change it, or something else. I’ll just have to play around with it.

    • you are always welcome here; you may crowbar your way in to any conversation i may be having at any time, i do believe that that is one of the wonders of blogging; announcing yourself from the other side of the planet without all the expensive of air travel and the timidity of a stranger
      i can’t believe i didn’t respond to the playing comment…..bombard me with toys all you wish, and as erica jong says, “jealousy makes the prick grow harder. and the cunt wetter”

      Reply
      • Hmm, never heard that one, but it does make sense.

      • i haven’t read any of her books yet but she’s got a lot of good quotes
        and i think i might just stay with your bad blog……i wouldn’t want to be unapproved or changed in any way…

      • Smart man. I’m starting to hate that blog. I like the content, but not the moderating part.

      • that does sound dull; and if you’re hating it, it’s time to quit

      • Yeah

  5. Great dialogue! Might be better than the original post (which I enjoyed as well).

    Reply
  6. Where have you gone?

    Perplexed Bisous,
    Dawn

    Reply

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