fred’s ark


right, emzara, have you found any of those chupacabra’s yet?

no? well that’s what we’ll go as then…..oh i don’t know…..a small bear with spines running down it’s back, nothing too noticeable

must remember to tick the ‘clean’ box; are betty and george definitely coming because we’ll stick out like a sore thumb if there’s only five of us?

japheth, we’ll need more shovels!

shem, look at these drawings; door or window?

ham, find fred and let him know we’re subbing this out to his lot

and can someone please tell me how long a bloody cubit is!


flash fiction friday – i have seen the light


“hello! it’s mr pontoon-spitoon calling


“well it’s about your light; it’s on, it’s too bright and i’m trying to get to sleep

“of course i have curtains, they’re just not made of lead

“enough about my soft furnishings, what have you got that thing blazing so brightly for?

“you have sheep that can read?

“do they know you talk about them like that?

“how long will they be reading for?

“that’s quite a long time, big book is it?

“what’s the point in reading that?

“i’ve got one they can read; the origin of……hello?…….HELLO?………bloody do-gooder”

friday fiction – the story of felicity washington

the girl was so full of life before it was beaten and choked out of her; the parents she adored were not her biological parents; they were murdered by two seemingly upstanding members of the locale, though secretly part of the underground polyamorous and polysexual satanist community, they handed round homemade cakes to the congregation but all the while masturbated in their church, defiled the holy water with their seminars, he the proprietor of ‘satan’s sex store’ and all the while a member of a number of philanthropic boards; she the keeper of an indefineably gruesome whorehouse; beams as naked and splintered as its inhabitants; recruiting wife and mother, sister and daughter; a collector of lost souls extraordinaire, and the baker of the tastiest cherry pie this side of the tallahassee bridge; she adored her brothers, though neither of whom excelled at college, too busy burying bodies and setting traps around the homestead, but they always found time for a wholesome game of football; and of course her horse ‘persephone’, ridden daily to the giant oak on old slothrop’s farm, under which she now lies silent, and would but the single visitor’s weekly replenishment of fresh, vibrant flowers halt the once beautiful decomposing body; no matter what joy and vitality music gives you, we all just dance our way to a morgue drawer

flash fiction – venus in wire

Another barbed comment darts easily from gregor’s hateful, insipid jaw, – kindly leave me now, opining pitifully, quoting robert shaw, though understanding vice will xerox yearning zestfully; zakat yields xanthoma whereas vicious, unctuous, terse sadism reaps quintessence; palpable opulence neither man likes, killer jackdaws infiltrating however, governmentally funded establishments, drinking crudely blood and acid before cadavers degenerate, eternally frightened guards huddling, incessantly jabbering kakariki loping maliciously never once proposing quietude; resulting sickness turns up variable widespread xenoglossia; young zhukov’s zeroth year’s xebec wishing verisimilitude ultimately towards sailing, rather queer position one notes; maybe lascivious kaiserdom justifies itself, having garishly flavoured every dead creature’s bitter aether

friday flash – i used to hear the avalanches

i used to hear the avalanches, i used to hear the screams of the dead wood; i used to listen for the distant rumbling of a mind that refused, i used to quiver at the prospect of hearing the sound made by the world when it stopped turning; i used to hear the rip, i used to hear the glacier tear through that which was deemed impassable, i used to hear the wake; i used to hear the dull dead silence ravaged; that which I heard is no more, for all i hear now is drip drip drip drip drip

flash fiction friday – hide and die!!

“hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety-seven, ninety-six, ninety-five, ninety-four, ninety-three, ninety-two, ninety-one, ninety, eighty-nine, eighty-eight, eighty-seven, eighty-six, eighty-five, eighty-four, eighty-three, eighty-two, eighty-one, eighty, seventy-nine, seventy-eight, seventy-seven, seventy-six, seventy-five, seventy-four, seventy-three, seventy-two, seventy-one, seventy, sixty-nine, sixty-eight, sixty-seven, sixty-six, sixty-five, sixty-four, sixty-three, sixty-two, sixty-one, sixty, fifty-nine, fifty-eight, fifty-seven, fifty-six, fifty-five, fifty-four, fifty-three, fifty-two, fifty-one, fifty, forty-nine, forty-eight, forty-seven, forty-six, forty-five, forty-four, forty-three, forty-two, forty-one, forty, thirty-nine, thirty-eight, thirty-seven, thirty-six, thirty-five, thirty-four, thirty-three, thirty-two, thirty-one, thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight, twenty-seven, twenty-six, twenty-five, twenty-four, twenty-three, twenty-two, twenty-one, twenty, nineteen, eighteen, seventeen, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen, thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, oh bugger this, coming! ready or -“