guest blogger monday

i’m away for a while, about twelve days in fact, and i was coerced into doing this interview by my editor….i wanted to chuck it, but the time and effort that went into it forced me to publish……enjoy

yes it’s monday (please feel free to email me for all the reasons that it is – contrary to what you may believe – actually monday today), and what does monday mean……second day of the week apparently according to some weirdos; sunday is no longer part of the weekend……..it also means it’s guest blogger day – i’ve had to remove the last few for health reasons, so if you are wondering why the interviews with nick griffin, robert mugabe and jedward have disappeared, it’s because of the death threats – not quite the popular coups i initially thought them to be; the joseph fritzel one next week should change all that though – – and today i have great pleasure in introducing to you all, the explorer, from what i can gather armchair physicist, and shangri-la expert, thatch herringbone

thatch’s primary, nay solitary, exploratative purpose is that of the discovery of shangri-la; it has taken him to such far-flung places as sheffield, hampstead heath, and soon the sight of his latest expedition, upper tooting road, specifically the junction where moffat road meets kellino street, just down from the tooting islamic centre; a particularly dangerous area of south-west london – not because of the muslims i hasten to add….shall we move on

but thatch will give us more details about that in a minute; firstly let us get to know the man; thatch, tell us a little bit about yourself

Hi Sacha, may I first say what a pleasure it is to be here and how honoured I am that you have invited me to talk to you and your hundreds of fol-

that’s quite alright thatch, please i assure you the pleasure is all mine; continue if you would

Ummm, thank you. Well, my name is Thatch Herringbone and I’m a twenty-three year-old explorer living in Lubumbashi, the second largest city in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. A place that as you may or may not know, is steeped in superstition, myth and folklore; undoubted influences on my subsequent infatuation with Shangri-La.

so when did you first have this seed planted within you

Really as young as I remember I’ve always been fascinated with the notion of a mythical place that could actually exist if people only knew where to look.

but some places really don’t exist do they; such as a mcdonald’s that sells tasty food

Ha ha! that’s right! Or a bank with morals?

yes yes yes, or a, or a brothel that takes credit

Good one!………………………………………………………………………..

…………………………………………………………..

………………………………………………………………………….

…………………………well i can’t think of anything else right now either so shall we move on to your past endeavours, which are detailed in your blog ifoundshangrila.wordpress.com – please follow this link in order to get to thatch’s first post – and whilst there aren’t many posts there, the time you’ve spent tracking it down has been immense

Yes it has; I initially wanted to join up with a more experienced archaeologist/explorer so I wrote to one of the leaders in the field; one Sir Benedictine Thundersnatch III, detailing my first sighting and included the original chalk drawing, that mapped its whereabouts, by Sir Isaac Newton, who was very into the occult and that kind of thing; alas I received no reply and when I went to his offices to retrieve the drawing I discovered it had been thrown in the bin.

that is very unfortunate; we have as you know tracked down his rude response in a newspaper article; a particularly finely written newspaper article, but a rude response nonetheless.

Well quite.

so after that it was hampstead heath and rather a harrowing experience i can but only imagine; please view that post here but be warned it is not pretty

It was a shock to put it mildly, but we as a profession cannot expect everything that is believed to be beautiful, actually to be so. But to answer your question with regards to time; it has taken me about two years to get where I am today from when my father, on his deathbed, gave me Newton’s drawing. I remember him saying to me, “Son, I want you to have this [i bloody knew this would happen; any fucker who wastes his time chasing shit that doesn’t exist is bound to have some crazy dead relative behind it all….god i hope this doesn’t go on too long] and his father to him, and his father to him, and his father [oh jesus christ shoot me now] so it is with that illustrious pedigree that I set forth on my quest and why I must never give up.

inspiring stuff….so tell us about your latest venture – and please see here and here about the philosophy behind shangri-la

Upper Tooting Road! Yes, I’m extremely confident about this; I am aware of course that I’m standing on the shoulders of giants for this one. The original exploration by the Monty Python team climbing up the north face of the Uxbridge Road was groundbreaking in its discoveries and methodology, and gave a whole new idea as to how to view these places you were aiming to discover.

so tell us a little bit about your plan of action; i believe you have a map you can show us

That was the plan, yes. But I’ve just tried to copy a google map in to something I can draw pretty lines on but it doesn’t fucking work; so please follow this link to a google map of Upper Tooting Road (the area of interest is in the bottom left corner), zoom in a couple of notches, shift the viewer until Selkirk Road is in the bottom left corner and I shall describe my route thusly!

We shall be parachuted in to ‘Harringtons’, the pie and mash shop; this is the closest I can get because of the permanent no-fly zone in operation, and of course we’ll probably be a bit peckish. We shall head south east along Selkirk Road until we reach the junction with Upper Tooting Road itself – should I realise that I’ve forgotten anything, I can just nip in to ‘The Travel Shop’ for supplies; I hear they do a fine line in crampons.

Our first camp is intended to be outside ‘Tooting Dental Care’ – we’re still waiting for written permission but the conversations we’ve had have fillinged us with nothing but confidence.

was that a dentist joke

…….No…………….so anyway, we’ve no real idea as to the local costs but by the time we reach ‘Tooting Dental Care’ we hope to have a good idea of how much we’ll need to travel the rest of the way, and whether we’ll need to pay VAT on anything in ‘Greggs’. We’d rather not go in to the fiscally volatile bank of ‘Santander’ so we’ll opt for the far more trusted and reliable firm of ‘Habib Bank AG Zürich’ opposite our base on the corner of Upper Tooting and Gatton.

At the end of the second day we aim to arrive at ‘Greggs’ for our evening meal. Our intelligence suggests – are you alright Sacha? You’ve got tea coming out of your eyes – oh good – our intelligence suggests that this is a relatively quiet and simple stretch of road to navigate and traverse so we may get to pop in to ‘Oxfam’ for a bad lampshade and some pornography on VHS, and perhaps have a peek in the ‘Lahore Ahmadiyya Movement for the Propogation of Islam’ to see if we can’t work out what all the fuss is about.

The third day should see us reach our goal of the ‘Sajna Hair and Beauty Institute’ where, I believe, we will find Shangri-La and hopefully enter it. We’d like to have a look at how buoyant the local property market is at ‘Bernard Marcus Estate Agents’ but our head cameraman’s new house has dry rot, which he is suing the Estate Agents through whom he bought it for not telling him, and he’s subsequently developed a mortal hatred of all their kind – we wish to avoid conflict at all costs. We’ll stop for a coffee of course at ‘Coffee Max’ and most probably a bun or two depending on our finances, and should anyone require any drugs, plasters, ointments or pointlessly small nail clippers, then a trip to ‘Barkers Chemists Tooting’ will be forthcoming.

So that’s our plan of attack, Sacha……Sacha?

yes, yes that’s excellent, extremely interesting and informative; please keep an eye out on Thatch’s blog for the results of his endeavours, and I of course will be posting here when you let me know you have returned safely and can tell the world all about it!

Thank you very much indeed for this opportunity.

not a problem, it was a pleasure, i wish you the best of luck

Much obliged, see you.

see you…………………..jesus fucking christ, do what you like with that crap

Advertisements